Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
