the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
