Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
