My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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