I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
