he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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