I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
