You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
