i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
