Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
