My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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