I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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