You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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