This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
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matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
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Shitshow foam night was such a success
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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