You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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