I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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