dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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