Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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