when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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