he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
