apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
