I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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