Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
