I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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