Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
