He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
