The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
