i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
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I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
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Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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