my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
