i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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