So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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