Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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