I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize