five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
