u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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