you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
