Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
