remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
