when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
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So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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