I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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