first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
