Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
