I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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