She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize