I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
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You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
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I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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