it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
