your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Oh god it's open bar.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
