at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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