new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
