Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
