The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
