Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
