I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I need to calm my uterus...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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