I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
