I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
my poor anus
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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