Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
