kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
