Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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