You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
