By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
