You can't special order awesome
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
