I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
